What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:19
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What was your most embarrassing wardrobe malfunction in public?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She found it foreign!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
What are the differences between INFJ-T and INFJ A?
As i do to all so called friends.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
What made you feel satisfied about your life today?
Put me off passion for life!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My life is so biszare .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It was going to be , some day.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We were not on the streets..
Who then, do I blame.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im still living with it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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Comes on , in middle age.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Have you ever forcibly sucked someone’s dick?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was very sick at this time too.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I will be 64.
I was seconnd youngest,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I think the readers, may guess!
All the time i was locked up.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
When she asked me how she looked .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But, we were locked up after school.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What did i know ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I don,t even have a pension.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Would this be the day?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I said to her
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was scared of men, in general
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I have no regrets .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He knew the spot.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was 9 years of age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was in good health!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But it wasn’t much.
So, i spoilt her more .
She loved him until the end.
Especially a lifetime of it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot live in the past .
Ive learnt so much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why did i forgive my father ?
She married twice! .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is soul school!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We all went to grammer schools
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So whats the point in blame.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I waited trembling.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My family never makes their pension either.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i lived it daily.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!